Quotes From Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller is an American actress and comedienne.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Quotes From Woody Allen

Woody Allen is an American screenwriter, director, actor, comedian, jazz musician, author and playwright.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I am two with nature.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

Marriage is the death of hope.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.