Friday, November 6, 2009
Robin Williams is an American actor and comedian. Famous for his role in Mork and Mindy.
“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
“You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.”
“Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.”
“We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.”
“My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.”
“Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.”
“Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.” “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
“If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.”
“In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say "Stop, or I'll say stop again."”
“Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.”
“I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.”
“I like my wine like my women -- ready to pass out.”
“When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?”
“You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.'”
“If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?”
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Arthur Buchwald was an American humorist best known for his long-running column that he wrote in The Washington Post, which in turn was carried as a syndicated column in many other newspapers. His column focused on political satire and commentary.
“Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.”
“It's easier to find a traveling companion than to get rid of one”
“We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great. If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.”
“If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.”
“Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.”
“The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.”
“You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.”
“People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him.”
“Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.”
“The best things in life aren't things”
“Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week”
“A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.”
“I worship the quicksand he walks in.”
“The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.”
“Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?”
“I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.”
“Television has a real problem. They have no page two.”
“Someone's got kids who really need to do this. When an item goes for more than $10,000, I want to hear a cheer.”
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Jerry Seinfeld is an American comedian, actor and writer, whose style is often described as observational comedy. He is best known for playing a semi-fictional version of himself in the situation comedy, Seinfeld.
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Rodney Dangerfield was an American comedian and actor, best known for the catchphrase "I can't get no respect" and his monologues on that theme.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Life is just a bowl of pits.
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
Patrick Jake O'Rourke is an American political satirist, journalist, and writer.He is the author of 15 books, most recently Driving Like Crazy. This was preceded by On The Wealth of Nations, a commentary on Adam Smith's An Inquiry into the Nature and Causes of the Wealth of Nations.
A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.
A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too.
After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.
Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
Children must be considered in a divorce considered valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue.
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
Earnestness is stupidity sent to college.
Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.
Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren't present.
Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.
Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.
I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid.
Ideology, politics and journalism, which luxuriate in failure, are impotent in the face of hope and joy.
If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.
If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.
If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you've read his autobiography.
In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character.
Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.
Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.
Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.
Never fight an inanimate object.
Never wear anything that panics the cat.
Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights. Politics are a lousy way to get things done. Politics are, like God's infinite mercy, a last resort.
Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.
Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.
The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock?
The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.
The good news is that, according to the Obama administration, the rich will pay for everything. The bad news is that, according to the Obama administration, you're rich.
The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.
The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.
The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
There is one thing women can never take away from men. We die sooner.
There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.
There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.
There's something about Marxism that brings out warts; the only kind of growth this economic system encourages.
Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government does it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy.
When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money.
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
You may be surprised to discover you're rich, especially if you're broke.
A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.
It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.
The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.
To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'
Friday, June 19, 2009
Dave Barry is an American author and columnist, who wrote a nationally syndicated humor column for the The Miami Herald from 1983 to 2005. He has also written numerous books of humor and parody, as well as comedic novels.
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
Bill Cosby is an American comedian, actor, author, television producer, musician and activist. A veteran stand-up performer, he starred in his own series, The Bill Cosby Show.
A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.
As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by "survival of the fittest."
Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.
Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.
Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.
Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Gray hair is God's graffiti.
Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.
I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.
If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.
In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.
It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.
Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.
My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own fatherhood, but it didn't because parenting can only be learned by people who have no children.
No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.
Nothing I've ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children.
Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes.
Old is always fifteen years from now.
Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.
People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what's bitter and move on.
Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.
Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made.
Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.
That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked.
The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic.
The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.
The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.
The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.
The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.
There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.
There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right.
Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.
When you become senile, you won't know it.
Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.
You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.
You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.
Groucho Marx was an American comedian and film star famed as a master of wit. He made 13 feature films with his siblings the Marx Brothers. He also had a successful solo career, most notably as the host of the radio and television game shows You Bet Your Life and Tell it to Groucho. His distinctive appearance, carried over from his days in vaudeville, included quirks such as glasses, cigars, and a thick greasepaint mustache and eyebrows.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Go, and never darken my towels again.
Humor is reason gone mad.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Dolly Parton is a Grammy Award-winning American singer-songwriter, author, actress and philanthropist, best known for her prolific work in country music.
I hated school. Even to this day, when I see a school bus it's just depressing to me. The poor little kids.
I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.
I modelled my looks on the town tramp.
I still close my eyes and go home - I can always draw from that.
I wanted to be the first woman to burn her bra, but it would have taken the fire department four days to put it out.
I was the first woman to burn my bra - it took the fire department four days to put it out.
I'm not going to limit myself just because people won't accept the fact that I can do something else.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I'm old enough and cranky enough now that if someone tried to tell me what to do, I'd tell them where to put it.
If you don't like the road you're walking, start paving another one.
If you talk bad about country music, it's like saying bad things about my momma. Them's fightin' words.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
My weaknesses have always been food and men - in that order.
People make jokes about my bosoms, why don't they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It's obvious I've got big ones and if people want to assume they're not mine, then let them.
Plastic surgeons are always making mountains out of molehills.
Storms make trees take deeper roots.
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails.
When I'm inspired, I get excited because I can't wait to see what I'll come up with next.
You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap!
You'll never do a whole lot unless you're brave enough to try.