Friday, June 19, 2009
Dave Barry is an American author and columnist, who wrote a nationally syndicated humor column for the The Miami Herald from 1983 to 2005. He has also written numerous books of humor and parody, as well as comedic novels.
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
Bill Cosby is an American comedian, actor, author, television producer, musician and activist. A veteran stand-up performer, he starred in his own series, The Bill Cosby Show.
A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.
As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by "survival of the fittest."
Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.
Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.
Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.
Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Gray hair is God's graffiti.
Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.
I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.
If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.
In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.
It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.
Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.
My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own fatherhood, but it didn't because parenting can only be learned by people who have no children.
No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.
Nothing I've ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children.
Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes.
Old is always fifteen years from now.
Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.
People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what's bitter and move on.
Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.
Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made.
Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.
That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked.
The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic.
The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.
The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.
The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.
The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.
There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.
There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right.
Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.
When you become senile, you won't know it.
Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.
You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.
You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.
Groucho Marx was an American comedian and film star famed as a master of wit. He made 13 feature films with his siblings the Marx Brothers. He also had a successful solo career, most notably as the host of the radio and television game shows You Bet Your Life and Tell it to Groucho. His distinctive appearance, carried over from his days in vaudeville, included quirks such as glasses, cigars, and a thick greasepaint mustache and eyebrows.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Go, and never darken my towels again.
Humor is reason gone mad.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Dolly Parton is a Grammy Award-winning American singer-songwriter, author, actress and philanthropist, best known for her prolific work in country music.
I hated school. Even to this day, when I see a school bus it's just depressing to me. The poor little kids.
I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.
I modelled my looks on the town tramp.
I still close my eyes and go home - I can always draw from that.
I wanted to be the first woman to burn her bra, but it would have taken the fire department four days to put it out.
I was the first woman to burn my bra - it took the fire department four days to put it out.
I'm not going to limit myself just because people won't accept the fact that I can do something else.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I'm old enough and cranky enough now that if someone tried to tell me what to do, I'd tell them where to put it.
If you don't like the road you're walking, start paving another one.
If you talk bad about country music, it's like saying bad things about my momma. Them's fightin' words.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
My weaknesses have always been food and men - in that order.
People make jokes about my bosoms, why don't they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It's obvious I've got big ones and if people want to assume they're not mine, then let them.
Plastic surgeons are always making mountains out of molehills.
Storms make trees take deeper roots.
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails.
When I'm inspired, I get excited because I can't wait to see what I'll come up with next.
You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap!
You'll never do a whole lot unless you're brave enough to try.