Quotes From Robin Williams

Robin Williams is an American actor and comedian. Famous for his role in Mork and Mindy.


“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”

“You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.”

“Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.”

“We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.”

“My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.”

“Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.”

“Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.” “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

“If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.”

“In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say "Stop, or I'll say stop again."”

“Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.”

“I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.”

“I like my wine like my women -- ready to pass out.”

“When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?”

“You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.'”

“If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?”

Quotes From Art Buchwald

Arthur Buchwald was an American humorist best known for his long-running column that he wrote in The Washington Post, which in turn was carried as a syndicated column in many other newspapers. His column focused on political satire and commentary.

“Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.”

“It's easier to find a traveling companion than to get rid of one”

“We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great. If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.”

“If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.”

“Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.”

“The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.”

“You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.”

“People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him.”

“Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.”

“The best things in life aren't things”

“Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week”

“A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.”

“I worship the quicksand he walks in.”

“The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.”

“Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?”

“I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.”

“Television has a real problem. They have no page two.”

“Someone's got kids who really need to do this. When an item goes for more than $10,000, I want to hear a cheer.”

Quotes From Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld is an American comedian, actor and writer, whose style is often described as observational comedy. He is best known for playing a semi-fictional version of himself in the situation comedy, Seinfeld.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."